Break Up

We didn't really take off during sixth form. I was too afraid, too nervous, too fizzled in the head with my A Levels and dreams of university. I wasn't sure I could depend on you, whether you would let me down but eventually I was persuaded.

It had started off so beautifully. I was amazed, enthralled and, looking back, completely head over heels.

I neglected my family for 'us' time. Just lying on my bed together, feeling so blissful and content. You were everything I needed (apart from food and air, which I found for free around me and in the pantry).

It's been so long now, I never considered the possibility of there one day no longer being an 'Us'. Maybe it was my fault. For looking at the others. Swooning over the merits and complexities of what my friend had, rather than appreciating you and your simple joys.

There were hints that maybe our relationship would have to be analysed after graduation, maybe even take a breather after that but still...

I can't believe it ended this way.

There wasn't any sign. It all started off so normally, as I clattered about getting ready for my day, listening to you making your normal noise.

You seemed a bit slower, but it was early in the morning.

I let you off.

And then you just went quiet.

Deadly quiet.

I came out of the shower, perturbed, to check on you and saw there was a haunting blankness where previously there had been light.

Frozen and dripping stupidly, I stared at you, unable to comprehend what I was seeing. There was a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach but it couldn't be true. This couldn't happen to us. To me. To you.

I remember pressing down fruitlessly, hoping for signs of life, begging and hoping for any other outcome.

No dice.

As I sat staring at you, I felt something bitter welling up in my chest.

How could you do this?

I very suddenly wanted to push you out the bloody window.

How could you leave me so suddenly? In light of all the stress that's slowly been dragging me under?

With all my dissertation and university work inside you? Less than three weeks from submission?!

Et tu, Laptop?! Huh?

So. My laptop is dead. To say that posts may get a little crazy from now on is an understatement.

I lost about 3,000 words from my dissertation (that I had mercifiully e-mailed to someone), and two complete other essays.

I'm more naffed off about all my bookmarks that went down the river....all those sites...all those recipes! All those presents I'd bookmarked to buy... *weeps*

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